Awesome Sauce Selection Special
Seeing that the 100 Pounds to Fitness has moved to its own blog, I wanted to use this blog to do some other things. What better to start off with than a Fantasy Football special...in July!?
Al Michaels: Good afternoon everyone, and welcome to the selection special for the new Awesome Sauce Fantasy Football League. Formerly the Tom Brady is a D-Bag league, the league has since expanded and realigned. This special will be the unveiling of the new divisions.
First of all, let's meet the teams:
- Chris Henry's Truck Divers: based out of Kernersville, NC
- Beantown Brawlers: based out of St. Louis, MO
- Fulbreezy's Panthers: based out of Charlotte, NC
- Vick's Puppy Pals: based out of Spokane, WA
- Stimulus Pack Ur Mom: based out of Baltimore, MD
- Utter Shanenanigans: based out of Daytona, FL
- War Calvin: based out of Daytona, FL
- Forsyth Frog Lickers: based out of Winston-Salem, NC
- Turd Ferguson: based out of Daytona, FL
- SPower: based out of Washington, DC
- Hate Modell and Loser King: based out of Washington, DC
- Ghost of Shanahan 2.0: based out of Boone, NC
- Body Massage Machine: based out of Seattle, WA
- Brett Favre's 401(k): based out of Colorado City, CO
- Plaxico's Cheddar Bobs: based out of Durham, NC
- Nomads: currently based out of Honolulu, HI, but always changing.
Al: John Madden, what are your thoughts on the field?
John Madden: Well, it looks like there are sixteen teams, which means there will be eight games a week. Doink!
Al: Thanks for that insight, John. To help with the expansion of the league, a few changes have been made. There are now four divisions instead of three, the playoff field has expanded to six teams, and the divisions will be selected via draw.
For any fans of soccer (like there are any now that the World Cup is over), the draw for the league will be similar to that: four teams will be assigned as the lead team to each division. One team will be the host team, Vick's Puppy Pals. The other three teams will be assigned based on ranking scores. This very scientific system evaluates things such as past performance, awesomeness of name, and how much Mike Bowers likes you.
After that, a second tier will be assigned: the #8 team goes in the #1 team's division, #2 in #7, and so on. The remaining eight teams are assigned based on geographic location and rivalries. John, did you get all that?
John: BOOM!
Al: I'll take that as a yes. And now, let's get to the divisions:
First off, the host team: Vick's Puppy Pals will be the head of the Mike Vick Division. No surprises there.
Next up, Chris Henry's Truck Divers will head up the Pacman Jones Division. This team has shown consistency over the last several years, finishing as the runner-up in several leagues. John?
John: WHAP!
Al: Moving on, Body Massage Machine will head up the Santonio Holmes Division. Coming off a record-setting season last year, this team looks poised to make a repeat.
Finally, Utter Shanenanigans will be heading up the Plaxico Burress Division. Let's hope this team has a better shot at winning than Plax has at playing this year.
John: BOOM!
Al: Now, for the second teams. Joining the Vick Division will be the number eight team, The Nomads. They have had slight success in the past. Hopefully they'll have a fighting chance this year.
John: Hopefully not a dogfighting chance! Zoinks!
Al: After that, we have Turd Ferguson joining the Pacman Division. A newcomer to the league this year, they have the chance to make waves. Let's hope they don't drop a deuce on the field.
Joining the Santonio Division, we have the Beantown Brawlers. This team is also new to the league and has had much success in other leagues. They should be able to do what Tom Brady has not done for several years: win a championship.
The second team to join the Plaxico Division will be Hate Modell and Loser King. Unfortunately for the rest of the division, they can't leave the league via a one-hour special.
John, what are your thoughts on the second batch of teams?
John: The team that scores the most points is probably going to win the game!
Al: As mentioned previously, the remaining teams were selected based on natural rivalries, name awesomeness, and other factors.
First off, rounding out the Vick Division will be Ghost of Shanahan 2.0 and Fulbreezy's Panthers. Both of these teams have North Carolina roots and will hopefully perform better than Thomas Davis will this year.
John: He blew out his knee twice. That's more than once!
Al: The final two teams to join the Pacman Division will be Plaxico's Cheddar Bobs and the Forsyth Frog Lickers. These teams have the potential to do well, and if they don't, the trash talk will make up for it. They should have some hard-fought games against each other and against the Divers.
Joining the Santonio Division will be War Calvin and Brett Favre's 401(k). The Favre-Machine matchup will be one to watch, as it matches up one of two pairs of siblings in the league.
John: Will you marry me, Brett!?
Al: That means that SPower and Stimulus Pack Ur Mom will join the Plaxico Division. This sets up two strong rivalries: the Stimulus-Shanenanigans matchup pairs two old friends, while the SPower-Modell game represents a same-house rivalry.
John: I have a bus!
So, to recap, here are our divisions for the upcoming year:
Vick Division
- Vick's Puppy Pals
- Nomads
- Ghost of Shanahan 2.0
- Fulbreezy's Panthers
Pacman Division
- CH's Truck Divers
- Turd Ferguson
- Forsyth Frog Lickers
- Plaxico's Cheddar Bobs
Santonio Division
- Body Massage Machine
- Beantown Brawlers
- Brett Favre's 401(k)
- War Calvin
Plaxico Division
- Utter Shanenanigans
- Stimulus Pack Ur Mom
- SPower
- Hate Modell and Loser King
At first glance, these all seem to be great divisions. Does anything stand out to you, John?
John: Well, I am disappointed to see that the Puppy Pals and Machine don't play each other this year. Hopefully they'll get to renew their rivalry in the playoffs. Also, the Thursday night opening game between the Machine and Favre will be a fun matchup...I love Brett Favre!
Al: Thanks for that, John. Well folks, that's all for now. Join us in August for the league selection special. Until then, for John Madden...
John: BOOM! WHAP! POW!
Al: I'm Al Michaels saying so long, folks.
Random musings of two football fanatics (in 160 characters or less)
Exchanging messages during football is becoming a regular happening between myself and friends and family who aren't close in proximity. Gabe happens to be my main partner in crime for football watching. As such, I offer the commentary of two geniuses over the course of two nights.
November 15: Colts vs. Patriots
Me (9:38 p.m., Colts losing 24-7): Poor Colts...
Gabe (9:39 p.m.): This suuuuuuuuuckss. See what had to happen for te thrars (Panthers) to win? The football gods are upset.
Me (9:40 p.m.): Remember, this has happened before, in the 2007 AFC title game (Colts came back from 21 down to win). The Colts have hope.
Gabe (9:41 p.m.): Yes sir.
Gabe (9:41 p.m.): The defensive pressure is crazy.
Me (9:44 p.m.): I think PI (pass interference) penalties should count toward receiving stats. It's like goaltending in basketball.
Me (9:47 p.m., after Wes Welker picks up some yards): See, this is better. You've cut Kenny's (fantasy football) lead to three.
Gabe (9:47 p.m.): Need Welker.
Me (9:48 p.m.): Me too. I need 28 between him and the Ravens kicker to win in my money league...and this is after getting (Drew) Brees!
Gabe (9:49 p.m.): Yeah dude. Not a good week. So many people got hurt.
Me (9:51 p.m.): I've scored 42 points in two separate Yahoo games today. In one league I'm losing by 50, and in the other I won by five. Ugh.
Gabe (9:52 p.m.): Yeah I'm down all the way around.
Me (10:02 p.m.): The East Division in our league is sad. The leader is losing to me by 80, two teams barely got to 50, and the other team's about to go 2-8.
Me (10:32 p.m.): Did you see the bit about how Tom Brady's been on all these magazine covers and Peyton keeps on getting Sports Illustrated? Cute. F*** the Pats.
Gabe (10:33 p.m.): Yes, exactly.
Me (10:39 p.m.): Ugh. (Cris) Collinsworth thinks people don't talk about Brady enough? F*** that little man.
Gabe (10:39 p.m.): I hate him so much.
Gabe (11:37 p.m., after the Colts got the ball back at the 28-yard line, down only four): Wow how did this happen? Go Peyton!
Gabe (11:39 p.m., after the Colts win): Unreal.
Monday, November 16 (I'll save you most of the commentary, as this game was bad)
Gabe (8:26 p.m.): Oh also Danny finally responded to my trade request. He wants Chris Johnson, Andre Johnson, and Matt Ryan for Drew Brees. I hate my life.
Me (8:54 p.m.): Are we both actually watching the Browns?
Gabe (8:59 p.m.): Sigh. Is this what it's come to?
Me (10:44 p.m., after a Steve Bureurlein sighting): Arguably the greatest QB in Panthers history. Oldest player to reach his first Pro Bowl and more passing yards than Peyton Manning in 1999.
Gabe (10:46 p.m.): He's clearly not better than (Chris) Weinke. (Who went 2-16 as the Panthers' QB.)
Gabe (10:49 p.m.): Browns fans are weird.
Gabe (10:50 p.m., after converting on fourth down): The Browns just did something the Patriots can't. Zing.
Gabe (10:52 p.m.): Wow they're so bad.
Lessons to be learned from these conversation:
- I play way too much fantasy football.
- I watch way too much football if I actually watch the Browns.
- I'm freaking Nostradamus.
- Chris Weinke sucks.
Random ramblings
Nothing really comes to mind today that would warrant an entry by itself, so I figured I'd throw out just a few random thoughts on this lovely Tuesday afternoon!
- Just saw a story about four people in Fayetteville who were found dead of apparent gunshot wounds. Police say they do not suspect foul play. How is it possible that four people (including two juveniles) were found shot to death, in the same place mind you, and it's not foul play?
-Florida linebacker Brandon Spikes was suspended for the first half of UF's next football game after attempting to gouge the eyes of an opposing player. Why is it that the good players at the bigger schools either: a.) get suspended for a half as opposed to the whole game, or b.) get suspended for the games against the bad teams? If you're going to be that transparent, why even suspend them?
-The Panthers won a big game this past weekend against Arizona, the defending NFC champions. Jake Delhomme threw the ball 15 times, threw a touchdown pass, and didn't turn the ball over. The Panthers also forced six turnovers (including five interceptions...poor Kurt Warner) and ran for 270 yards. If they keep doing that, they may make a surge.
Here's the thing: this is how the Panthers are built to play: a very strong running game, a strong defense, and a passing game that doesn't depend on the quarterback too much (which limits his chances to commit turnovers). They've had three seasons where they did that very well: 1996, 2003, and 2008, and guess what? They won the division all three of those years.
-My computer at work has decided to start acting crazy, especially when it comes to Microsoft Outlook. Because of this (and because of improved features in GMail), I've decided to move everything over to GMail. If you've never had chance to import 10,000 messages from one account to another, be glad. It sucks.
-My friend Terence wrote last night/this morning about love and what that means. He poses a very interesting question, and I'm not sure I can answer it myself. I think I may try to at some point soon, though. Thoughts?
I think that's all for now. Holler!
Are you ready for some football?
Sunday is my favorite day of the week in the fall. Why, you ask? Simple: I get to watch the NFL for nine hours. When you live by yourself, it's a wonderful thing.
Anyway, I'm going to attempt to live-blog during the day's action. But let's be honest: I can't say I'm really going to try hard after the Panthers game, and even that may be pushing it if it gets out of hand. Here's hoping, anyway! Check back often (starting at 1:00 Eastern) for updates!
12:56 p.m.: This is a great day: Steelers-Vikings on fox and Panthers-Bills on CBS!
1:00 p.m.: I just about flipped out when I saw an infomercial on CBS, but then I realized that the Panthers don't play until 4:00. Even better!
1:01 p.m.: Daryl Johnston said, "I really thought Brett Favre was going to retire." Really?
1:05 p.m.: The Steelers' pass protection broke down, leading to Roethelisberger getting sacked. In other news, the sky is blue.
1:22 p.m.: This is going to be an epic, low-scoring game. Oh, and the Bucs have already thrown two INTs in six throws. Poor Tampa Bay.
4:04 p.m.: The end of this Vikings-Steelers game has been crazy, but it looks like they've got it wrapped up. Now on to the Panthers!
4:13 p.m.: Looks like the Panthers are relying on short passes and throwing to the backs. Any progress is good, I suppose.
4:27 p.m. Jake Delhomme throws an INT that will probably set up a score. No excuse for this one; it was just a bad throw.
4:41 p.m.: Note to NFL coaches: the Wildcat is only going to work for so long until you get someone who can run and throw.
4:42 p.m.: John Kasay misses a field goal. It's that kind of year.
4:59 p.m.: Safety! This game reminds me of the Redskins game from a few weeks ago.
5:03 p.m.: Offsetting penalties are silly. If you have a 15-yarder and a 10-yarder, it should still be a five-yard penalty. At the same time, penalties should be able to stack up too.
5:25 p.m.: Two missed field goals. If Kasay keeps this up, he won't be the man in Carolina much longer.
6:00 p.m.: You can't get one yard on the worst rushing defense in the league? Come on!
6:06 p.m.: Okay, give it to DeAngelo. Do nothing but that.
6:09 p.m.: Or throw an interception, whichever.
6:47 p.m.: Showing signs of life after a big TD by DeAngelo and a big 3rd down stop by Jon Beason. Oh wait, they just muffed the punt. Crap.
7:00 p.m.: Another Delhomme INT. My how the mighty have fallen. Thanks, Jake.
Recent Greatness
Blogroll
- Extended AIM Profile Terence’s blog
- Profiles in Cuteness
- Shanenanigans Shane Ryan’s blog
- The Elephant Flies at Night
- The Mrs.
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