The Word of Bowers You don't have to agree with me, just accept I'm probably right.

Is monogamy rational?

Monogamy - noun - the process of having one partner or mate during a period of time.

That definition above can be one of the most wonderful concepts imaginable.  It can also be one of the most scary and intimidating concepts imaginable.

I recently came across this CNN.com article which examined the concept of monogamy.  It looks at relationships through the lens of notable public figures to be caught in affairs: Mark Sanford, David Letterman, and John Edwards are a few names that come to mind.  It raised a very important question: did these people stray because they made a mistake, because they're bad people, or because they did something natural?

The author of the article talks to one man who offers a pretty straightforward opinion on monogamy:

"We found the expectation that one person should be our everything seemed unrealistic given our day and age. ... It's oddly pressuring to set up that scenario," said Mark, who lives in Springfield, Missouri, and is in a polyamorous relationship. (He asked that his last name not be used for privacy reasons.)

The article also examines the benefits of monogamy:

"People feel safer and they feel more trusting. They feel like they can depend on their partner," (Nadine) Kaslow said. "I think that we can make choices in a different way than [other] mammals and think through the consequences of things."

Seattle Columnist Dan Savage also gave his thoughts on the topic.  (If you're familiar with Dan Savage at all, you'll realize these are his thoughts cleverly woven into a tounge-in-cheek piece.)  He wrote:

I would argue that serial monogamy also has its limitations: a strictly monogamous couple that might be great together and doing a great job raising kids may be prompted by sexual boredom or alienation—a circumstance that could be temporary—to part ways in pursuit of sexual satisfaction. A little leeway, a discreet sumpun on the side now and then, could help countless otherwise solid marriages survive a sexually fallow period.

Here are my thoughts on the concept: like I said above, monogamy can be a wonderful thing, but it can also be a very intimidating thing as a relationship progresses.  Dating someone exclusively is nowhere near the same thing as being permanently committed to someone, whether it's through marriage or other means.  When I finally settle down with someone, I want it to be because of the complete package: there needs to be a physical connection, but there also needs to be some sort of emotional connection and a intellectual connection.  Does that mean people can find the best of all three connections with one person?  Not necessarily, but I think we can find someone with strong connections in all areas.

I feel the problem with Savage's logic is that it's almost looking at things with the mindset that your lovelife can and should be perfect at all times.  Would it be wonderful if that were the case?  Absolutely.  Does it need to be that way?  I don't think so. 

I think a relationship can evolve to a point where the physical, emotional, or intellectual connection may diminish a bit.  What's important with that is how it impacts your view of the relationship: if you find yourself less attracted physically to someone than you did before, but you're still more than satisfied because of the other aspects, I don't see anything wrong with staying with that person.  If, on the other hand, you view that as a vitally-important part of a relationship, maybe it's time to reassess.  Keep in mind, however, that an attraction that's diminished always has the chance of coming back. 

But here's the big thing: everyone should approach relationships in whatever way makes them the happiest.  People who feel that being polyamorous will make them the happiest should pursue that, while people who prefer monogamy should go for that.  Everyone has their own unique personality, traits, needs, wants, and desires.  We should recognize that and embrace that.  In the end, we need to concern ourselves with what makes each of us happy, not with how other people conduct their lives.